Soowi

My heart, it's an ice cube

Sat, 18 May 2013 17:37:00 -0400

Yesterday, I received the news that my grandma (mom’s mother) passed away, and I don’t feel a tiny bit sad. I didn’t grow up around her or know her. I remember when I went back to Vietnam in 2009, I was expecting my grandma to be warm to me, as she didn’t see me for 15+ years and I was excited to get to know my only grandparent. But it wasn’t like what I expected. I was just a nobody, a stranger that was related to by blood. So with her passing, I have no emotional connection with her. I know my mom does and I really hope she is doing fine. When my dad passed away, my mom breakdown so hard, it was painful to watch her cried. I also remember when my dad’s mom passed away, and he heard the news through the phone, it was my first time that I saw my dad cried. It was really sad.

Sleepless Eyes

Sat, 18 May 2013 17:30:31 -0400

I just spent today surfing on the web for GRE fee reduction process, internship applications, and emailed my professors for reference letters. My eyes are so tired. I’m going with my friend to Lawrenville to help her look for a house to rent because she is going to medical school in fall. Yesterday, I went to Goodwill and bought a GRE practice book for $1.50.

So now my plan is this:
- Study for GRE to get into the master program for Food Science.
- Study for TSEA for the nurse program.
- Apply for dietetic internship and hopefully get one so I can take the exam to become a registered dietitian.

I don’t really know what I want to become but I will try to become these…maybe fine tuning exactly what I will become as II get closer to somewhere.

Right now, a popsicle will be good for this hot weather.

There are moments in life that I feel ashamed. I do have regrets. I may live life as a good person...

Thu, 16 May 2013 12:25:11 -0400

There are moments in life that I feel ashamed. I do have regrets. I may live life as a good person in general, but there are small things that made me flawed. I will try to be better person.

I think I am being sued for $20,000 for a car accident that happened 3 years ago and the other...

Wed, 15 May 2013 16:30:00 -0400

I think I am being sued for $20,000 for a car accident that happened 3 years ago and the other person’s car suffered a small scratch. He now said that his body is hurt. My car got messed up really bad and the airbag went out in my car and I didn’t have any injury, only I have been traumatized ever since. My car’s brake didn’t work and it was raining on that day. I hit on the brake but it just skidded and the other driver even acknowledged to me that he could hear me trying to stop. Of course, he didn’t tell that to the police. He only said that before the police came. I asked him before the police came if he was okay and he said he was. When the police came, he started to rub his back and said that his back and neck ached. Then police tested my brake and he said it worked. Last year, my sister drove that car in a slight rainy weather and the brake didn’t work again. Good thing no one was in front of us. I hate greedy people. If you have financial trouble, don’t pull other people into your shit. I remember this girl hit our car and it suffered more damage but we let the girl go because we knew she was a student and that it wasn’t serious enough to create a huge stress for everyone. Why can’t people be more considerate of others? I understand if he was injured but he was lying. Why sued me now? I have lived as a good person all my life so far. Karma jut doesn’t do things right for me.

After that incident, I have not drove much. I only drove like 5 hours in 3 years.

I’m trying to get my life together and work hard to get into grad school and now, something...

Mon, 13 May 2013 17:57:00 -0400

I’m trying to get my life together and work hard to get into grad school and now, something else is stopping me. My mom’s mom (grandmother) has terminal illness and she is going to die soon. My mom bought a quick ticket to fly to VN, and she will leave this Wednesday. She only has one year left of work and she will qualify to get her full retirement but because she has to go to VN for a month, she will only get partial retirement benefits. Then my sister is telling me to babysit her 3 months baby this whole week, and the cooking chore for my family and everything else is my responsibility from now on. I don’t know how I’m going to study for my GRE when I have so much to do. Then my brother said to stay at his house in the summer to babysit a 2 month old baby. Then I also babysit on and off for a 1 year toddler. -.- I didn’t get two degrees to be a full-time babysitter.

I have a 40s brother who doesn’t do anything, no working and sister-in-law who doesn’t work either and she doesn’t do anything to help with the chores except taking care of her 1 year old toddler that I also take care of.

I have to work much harder now.

Sun, 12 May 2013 17:54:00 -0400

Graduation was two days ago and I have been asked a lot about what I’m going to do now, am I going to find a job. There is a lot of pressure and I don’t feel proud even though I got two bachelors. I just looked up the Master of Science program and looked at the GRE dates. The test will cost around $180-5 so I need to sell some of my clothes to help me with the payment. That will possible be 3 years of more school and I’ll be 27-28. I think it’s because I’m rushing myself to accomplish what is generally seen as the timeline, but life just doesn’t work in such order. I want to breathe and think deeply about what I want to do with my life but it’s hard. There are so many voices telling me why I haven’t have a career job. Other moms are asking my mom if she can marry me to her son. I may be 24 soon but my mind is like a middle school kid. I don’t want marriage and kids until I feel that I have achieved the success that I want. I want to reach my goals and not tie down to family life. If I do though, I want to marry someone I love.

Then there the other side of me who wants to be a dietitian but looking at the salary and the opportunities a dietitian have, I feel it won’t take me to where I want. I want God to guide me. I had been to my lowest point in life when I couldn’t get into pharmacy school even though it wasn’t my dream to begin with. I don’t want to be back in that hole again. It was scary and painful. I lost myself and I never actually gain my whole self back. I’m broken and tired but I don’t want to give up. These days, I only see my ugly self.

Thrift shopping

Wed, 08 May 2013 00:08:00 -0400

I am planning on doing a thrift haul video after graduation. I went to Goodwill after my last final and I bought like 6 items! I found this vintage dress that is so pretty! OMG. Words cannot describe how pretty it is. Stay tune for my video to see that pretty vintage dress. It cost me $3 for that dress. I spent $70 to buy a dress from Ruche and it’s not as pretty as this one. So I’m telling you, it’s really pretty. ;)

Anyway, I showed my roommate my thrift finds and she wants to go thrift shopping tomorrow. I don’t think she ever went thrift shopping. lol That dress influenced her. I’m going to Goodwill tomorrow then!

Eyebrows

Sat, 04 May 2013 21:52:31 -0400

Growing out my eyebrows so I can reshape them. I think I look mean with these eyebrows arches. Sorry for those who are going to see my face for the next few weeks. lol

"We try to be real nice and friendly to people, but sometimes they take advantage of that." --Layne Staley

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 18:33:00 -0400

Yesterday, my classmate passed out Chipotle burritos (it was limited) and I got one. My best friend was eating it but I was like, “I want to eat this but I’m gonna save it so I can share it with my roommate.” This roommate is not the Korean girl, btw. So today, I facebooked her to let her know that I would be eating lunch at 11:05pm and that she could join me to eat whatever I was gonna eat. I messaged her instead of going to her room to call her because it would be weird since my Korean rooommate was in my room and I didn’t want to share the food with her either. I only had 1 burrito and she was being a moocher. So I also knocked on my roommate door to let her know that too and when I heated everything, she still wasn’t out. I guess she must had been busy so I placed half burrito in a plate and brought it to her room so she could eat it in her room. But noooo, I walked to her room and she started to get upset and yelled at me, “You don’t have to bring it in my room!” My face was like, “oh, oookkkkayyy.” I walked back to the kitchen and she called my name and I turned back and she said, “You know you could have just go to my room to tell me and not FB messaged me!” I just said, “okay” and walked back to the kitchen. She followed and ate the burrito. WTH! I did knock on her door to let her know.

I was being nice sharing my burrito when I didn’t have to and she could have said “thank you.” For the rest of two weeks we have left, she can forget about me sharing my food anymore. I fought back tears because she hurt me. I only had good intention. I shared my food because I cared and suddenly just yelled at me for no reason was not okay. She is a spoiled brat.

You guys think I might have overreacted but if you had seen the way she was yelling at me. She frowned her face and snapped her words at me. She could have said, “Oh…thank you. I can just go out to get it. You don’t have to but thank you.” That would have been nicer.

Been feeling ugly this week. I don’t know why. Last week, I was like: “wow, I...

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 23:51:00 -0400

Been feeling ugly this week. I don’t know why. Last week, I was like: “wow, I don’t look that bad.” This week, “OMG, I’m look ridiculous. People need to stop looking at me.”

-.-

I surf that Korean plastic surgery website and jeez, a lot of the afters are so pretty. I look at pictures of pretty people when I feel ugly. It makes me feel worse but better in a way that I don’t have to look at my face.

I hate taking pictures and because graduation is coming up and people are saying goodbyes, I can’t help getting pictures taken! Can’t I just hide in a corner forever? Doesn’t matter how skinny I get, my face isn’t going to change. I envy people who have a pretty face with a big body. With the body, you can lose if you work hard.

My goal this week: not to puck my eyebrows and leave them alone. I don’t puck that often or much anyway but I don’t know why my eyebrows keep on arching! I have high eyebrow bones I guess. I don’t like them because they make me look mean.
—> bushy eyebrows = better than looking mean

One of my goals this summer: work on my English grammar

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 20:06:00 -0400

I know I don’t have the best grammar in the world, and I feel that if I’m going to be college graduate, my writing can’t be worse than a middle school student’s. I bought a basic English grammar book years ago with that intention to improve my skills and this summer, I’m going to work on that.

Gonna learn everything again: nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, linking verbs, helper verbs, etc.

This is what I get for not paying attention in 8th grade and high school English classes.

PS: My grammar isn’t that horrible. It’s just that I don’t take the time to carefully read what my fingers are typing and what my mind is thinking. Sh…it’s an excuse.

I just realize this morning that I’m graduating with honors (magna cum laude) and I thought...

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 20:03:34 -0400

I just realize this morning that I’m graduating with honors (magna cum laude) and I thought when they said honors, it meant high school honors. lol

New revelation

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 09:19:00 -0400

I walked from the bus stop to the Geology building today and it suddenly just hit me. I’m going to get my masters in Food Science. It was depressing the other day when I looked at the pay for dietitian and it is not so good. People don’t care so much about prevention, certainly from the perspective of insurers. My dream is to counsel obese people and get them to realize their lives can be good. But now, the more realistic path is to get a financially stable job and with food, you can’t go wrong. I just hope that I won’t get a job working for a company that processed very fatty food because I don’t want to contribute to the overweight problem we are facing now. I like food and I think I will do that. Will I still try to become a registered and licensed dietitian (a.k.a. nutritionist), maybe. I don’t know. We’ll see.

Photo

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 01:01:09 -0400

Another rant

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 21:12:00 -0400

My roommate, the gold digger one, is too sensitive. I came home from church and I smelt a chemical odor, the kind in cockroach spray. So I texted her if there was a cockroach in our room (she hates cockroach and will talk to me about it everyday like I can magically make the house cockroach-free). I’m the person who usually throw away dead cockroach after they sprayed and killed by someone else. Anyway, I smelt the chemical next to my bed and I asked her where did she find the cockroach and where did she spray. She got mad and said, “I didn’t spray it on your bed!” and sent me a cartoon with crossed arms and a upset face. I just asked a question. I’m pretty sure she is going to talk behind my back to her boyfriend about how mean I am to her and I’m not a friendly person. She thinks I don’t understand much Korean but I do. Three semesters of college Korean classes did teach me a thing or two. I’m not gonna generalized all Koreans but I will say that most Korean whom I have met so far, excluding my close Korean friend and another person I worked with before, they have been too worried about their physical appearance more so than their characters. They don’t want a bad reputation even though they done stuff that were not so great and they are very manipulative. I’m talking about the Koreans I have encountered so far and I know not all Koreans are like this. I walked into a Korean cafe the other week and this girl just gave me an eye and did the “smirk” as if looking down on me and she was thinking that I looked like trash. I was so uncomfortable that I left.

My friend told me that my roommate probably tried to poison me because she placed all the cockroach patches (the baits in the square container) on my sides of the food cabinets we share and never on her side. I don’t mind cockroach because they don’t kill me but don’t just put chemical right next to my food and not on your side. That’s selfish. I may not get killed from it but it does have an effect on me.

UPDATE: lol I think my roommate regrets being upset at me because now, no one cooks for her. I’m not her maid anymore. I never signed up to be one and I didn’t owe her anything to begin with. I did it out of being nice but she just a leecher. A moment ago, she just suddenly sat upright and huffed and puffed for a few minutes. Sorry, girl. I’m not your maid! You don’t have any final and all you do all day is sleep and talk to your bf. You’re 28 and still an undergraduate. If you want to have children, stop acting like a child. I have 7 finals to worry about.

Church

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 19:59:54 -0400

I got back from church and I felt amazing. I was so stressed out about the finals and my state of unemployment but God has some way to make me feel better. I don’t know what he did but he just did it. My ex-roommate, a childhood friend of mine from Riverdale (where I live) came to visit her friends and she was here today at church and she just gave me a feeling of being home again, back in Riverdale. This will be the longest time I ever stay here (1 month) and then get to go home to see my mom, sisters, and nephew again.

Fighting!

PS: I stocked up food for finals! lol Cooked a large meal this morning and got a meal from church and a bunch of snacks! Press on!

I feel like being used

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 16:01:00 -0400

I cooked for my roommates a lot and I couldn’t say no to them because they would think I was selfish. Today, we went to eat out for last time and I had to pay for one of my roommates because she said she forgot her wallet. She had her purse and still remember to bring her lip balm on the way out. She had no intention of paying back and I could see it but I paid for her anyway ($14 Italian meal).

I’m tired of her attitude, being a gold digger. If you live with her, you will know. How can anyone live like that? I rather be hungry then to use people for their money. She complained about not having money when she went out and bought $500 worth of clothes. She bought a dress that was like $300+ dollars. She almost married a guy because he was a millionaire and decided not to after she realized he wasn’t good looking. If my daughter is like that, I’m going to have a real talk with her. I rather my daughter works hard and scrubs toilet than to be a whore and a gold-digger. There is nothing wrong with being poor. I lived paycheck to paycheck before and it felt good knowing that I worked hard to pay my bills.

Yesterday, one of my roommates was drunk and when I went out to cook. My other roommate asked me, “Shouldn’t you cook for her and her friends too?” In my head, I was like, “I’m not maid and they are not my friends. I have 7 finals to study. Why do I have to waste my time cooking for people who I don’t even know?” I told her, “oh, why don’t you cook for them then?” She went silent. I was so mad but I kept my cool.

One of my close friends said I’m too nice to people and they tend to use that to their advantage. I don’t really tell my mom about how hard I work. When she asked me how was school, I just told her it was all good.

I’m so happy she is retiring; she’s like 66 by the way. She said she would retire when I graduated from college. I knew I needed to hurry it up so she could enjoy life without working overnight shift and having only 3-4 hours of sleep a day. But I’m so far from being successful and I want to work harder to let her see me being accomplished.

PS: Sorry for the horrible grammar throughout all my posts. I usually don’t check my grammars because I want to get my thoughts out first and after I do that, I’m too lazy to go back and read it through. There are so many things I need to do…I don’t know how I’m going to study 7 finals with 6 beings cumulative. 5 finals in the first week and 2 finals in the first two days of the second week. The classes are not joke. I emailed one of my professors to see if I could take it on another day instead of cramming like crazy and having no sleep.

I don’t know…sometimes I feel like writing all these negative things about someone just makes me feel bad that I have such bad thoughts. I don’t want to talk about about people but I don’t know where I can release my frustration. I’m trying to be more tolerable toward people and their actions but sometimes, it’s too much. I’m stress.

Plan on selling this dress

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 18:32:00 -0400

It’s size S. I only wore it once and when I brought it out to wear it for the second time, my brothers and mom told me not to wear it because I looked like an ancient grandma with it. They said a lot of harsh comments and I cried on that day. So this dress makes me sad every time I look at it.

It still looks new. It’s really pretty and the fabric is so airy and soft. When I bought this dress, I was thinking of vintage and picnic on a green lawn. Unfortunately, my family has no taste in vintage clothes. I have another vintage dress that has never been wore. It’s black and I’m afraid they are going to stay I look like I’m going to a funeral. -.-

Update on haircut and rant about shopping

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 18:22:00 -0400

I got my hair cut like two weeks ago, and my hairstylist does not speak English. lol It was just a recipe for disaster. My hair came out okay but I don’t style it with the bangs in front. I just brush it to both sides, not really middle-parting but not fully huge side parting. Somewhere in between. I would post a picture of the haircut but I rather not. I don’t want my face to be on the web.

I really want to buy this dress for my graduation but it’s so expensive. Why? If I knew how to shop long time ago, I would have saved so much money. I bought so much crap when I was young and then donated stuff that I shouldn’t have donated. Regrets. -.-

Anyway, I can’t wait to go to Goodwill after finals. I love treasure hunting and saving money at the same time.

This is what I will be wearing for graduation. It’s a nice dress but it doesn’t fit me well even though it’s an XS and I don’t like to show my arms because they are “men arms.” They are a little muscular and not very feminine looking. I may wear a cardigan over it.

Graduation, not looking forward to it

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 18:06:15 -0400

Why am I not looking forward for my graduation in two weeks? I want to stay in school forever, that’s why. The job market right now is horrible and I don’t feel accomplished even with my degrees of Bachelor of Science and Bachelor of Family and Consumer Sciences (Dietetics). I want to go graduate school but I’m not sure what I want to do with my life. I don’t have the money to go to grad school. I want to be something but what, really. I’m almost 24 and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life.