My heart, it’s an ice cube

Yesterday, I received the news that my grandma (mom’s mother) passed away, and I don’t feel a tiny bit sad. I didn’t grow up around her or know her. I remember when I went back to Vietnam in 2009, I was expecting my grandma to be warm to me, as she didn’t see me for 15+ years and I was excited to get to know my only grandparent. But it wasn’t like what I expected. I was just a nobody, a stranger that was related to by blood. So with her passing, I have no emotional connection with her. I know my mom does and I really hope she is doing fine. When my dad passed away, my mom breakdown so hard, it was painful to watch her cried. I also remember when my dad’s mom passed away, and he heard the news through the phone, it was my first time that I saw my dad cried. It was really sad.

Sleepless Eyes

I just spent today surfing on the web for GRE fee reduction process, internship applications, and emailed my professors for reference letters. My eyes are so tired. I’m going with my friend to Lawrenville to help her look for a house to rent because she is going to medical school in fall. Yesterday, I went to Goodwill and bought a GRE practice book for $1.50.

So now my plan is this:
- Study for GRE to get into the master program for Food Science.
- Study for TSEA for the nurse program.
- Apply for dietetic internship and hopefully get one so I can take the exam to become a registered dietitian.

I don’t really know what I want to become but I will try to become these…maybe fine tuning exactly what I will become as II get closer to somewhere.

Right now, a popsicle will be good for this hot weather.

There are moments in life that I feel ashamed. I do have regrets. I may live life as a good person in general, but there are small things that made me flawed. I will try to be better person.

I think I am being sued for $20,000 for a car accident that happened 3 years ago and the other person’s car suffered a small scratch. He now said that his body is hurt. My car got messed up really bad and the airbag went out in my car and I didn’t have any injury, only I have been traumatized ever since. My car’s brake didn’t work and it was raining on that day. I hit on the brake but it just skidded and the other driver even acknowledged to me that he could hear me trying to stop. Of course, he didn’t tell that to the police. He only said that before the police came. I asked him before the police came if he was okay and he said he was. When the police came, he started to rub his back and said that his back and neck ached. Then police tested my brake and he said it worked. Last year, my sister drove that car in a slight rainy weather and the brake didn’t work again. Good thing no one was in front of us. I hate greedy people. If you have financial trouble, don’t pull other people into your shit. I remember this girl hit our car and it suffered more damage but we let the girl go because we knew she was a student and that it wasn’t serious enough to create a huge stress for everyone. Why can’t people be more considerate of others? I understand if he was injured but he was lying. Why sued me now? I have lived as a good person all my life so far. Karma jut doesn’t do things right for me.

After that incident, I have not drove much. I only drove like 5 hours in 3 years.

I’m trying to get my life together and work hard to get into grad school and now, something else is stopping me. My mom’s mom (grandmother) has terminal illness and she is going to die soon. My mom bought a quick ticket to fly to VN, and she will leave this Wednesday. She only has one year left of work and she will qualify to get her full retirement but because she has to go to VN for a month, she will only get partial retirement benefits. Then my sister is telling me to babysit her 3 months baby this whole week, and the cooking chore for my family and everything else is my responsibility from now on. I don’t know how I’m going to study for my GRE when I have so much to do. Then my brother said to stay at his house in the summer to babysit a 2 month old baby. Then I also babysit on and off for a 1 year toddler. -.- I didn’t get two degrees to be a full-time babysitter.

I have a 40s brother who doesn’t do anything, no working and sister-in-law who doesn’t work either and she doesn’t do anything to help with the chores except taking care of her 1 year old toddler that I also take care of.

I have to work much harder now.

Graduation was two days ago and I have been asked a lot about what I’m going to do now, am I going to find a job. There is a lot of pressure and I don’t feel proud even though I got two bachelors. I just looked up the Master of Science program and looked at the GRE dates. The test will cost around $180-5 so I need to sell some of my clothes to help me with the payment. That will possible be 3 years of more school and I’ll be 27-28. I think it’s because I’m rushing myself to accomplish what is generally seen as the timeline, but life just doesn’t work in such order. I want to breathe and think deeply about what I want to do with my life but it’s hard. There are so many voices telling me why I haven’t have a career job. Other moms are asking my mom if she can marry me to her son. I may be 24 soon but my mind is like a middle school kid. I don’t want marriage and kids until I feel that I have achieved the success that I want. I want to reach my goals and not tie down to family life. If I do though, I want to marry someone I love.

Then there the other side of me who wants to be a dietitian but looking at the salary and the opportunities a dietitian have, I feel it won’t take me to where I want. I want God to guide me. I had been to my lowest point in life when I couldn’t get into pharmacy school even though it wasn’t my dream to begin with. I don’t want to be back in that hole again. It was scary and painful. I lost myself and I never actually gain my whole self back. I’m broken and tired but I don’t want to give up. These days, I only see my ugly self.

Thrift shopping

I am planning on doing a thrift haul video after graduation. I went to Goodwill after my last final and I bought like 6 items! I found this vintage dress that is so pretty! OMG. Words cannot describe how pretty it is. Stay tune for my video to see that pretty vintage dress. It cost me $3 for that dress. I spent $70 to buy a dress from Ruche and it’s not as pretty as this one. So I’m telling you, it’s really pretty. ;)

Anyway, I showed my roommate my thrift finds and she wants to go thrift shopping tomorrow. I don’t think she ever went thrift shopping. lol That dress influenced her. I’m going to Goodwill tomorrow then!

“We try to be real nice and friendly to people, but sometimes they take advantage of that.” —Layne Staley

Yesterday, my classmate passed out Chipotle burritos (it was limited) and I got one. My best friend was eating it but I was like, “I want to eat this but I’m gonna save it so I can share it with my roommate.” This roommate is not the Korean girl, btw. So today, I facebooked her to let her know that I would be eating lunch at 11:05pm and that she could join me to eat whatever I was gonna eat. I messaged her instead of going to her room to call her because it would be weird since my Korean rooommate was in my room and I didn’t want to share the food with her either. I only had 1 burrito and she was being a moocher. So I also knocked on my roommate door to let her know that too and when I heated everything, she still wasn’t out. I guess she must had been busy so I placed half burrito in a plate and brought it to her room so she could eat it in her room. But noooo, I walked to her room and she started to get upset and yelled at me, “You don’t have to bring it in my room!” My face was like, “oh, oookkkkayyy.” I walked back to the kitchen and she called my name and I turned back and she said, “You know you could have just go to my room to tell me and not FB messaged me!” I just said, “okay” and walked back to the kitchen. She followed and ate the burrito. WTH! I did knock on her door to let her know.

I was being nice sharing my burrito when I didn’t have to and she could have said “thank you.” For the rest of two weeks we have left, she can forget about me sharing my food anymore. I fought back tears because she hurt me. I only had good intention. I shared my food because I cared and suddenly just yelled at me for no reason was not okay. She is a spoiled brat.


You guys think I might have overreacted but if you had seen the way she was yelling at me. She frowned her face and snapped her words at me. She could have said, “Oh…thank you. I can just go out to get it. You don’t have to but thank you.” That would have been nicer.

Been feeling ugly this week. I don’t know why. Last week, I was like: “wow, I don’t look that bad.” This week, “OMG, I’m look ridiculous. People need to stop looking at me.”


-.-

I surf that Korean plastic surgery website and jeez, a lot of the afters are so pretty. I look at pictures of pretty people when I feel ugly. It makes me feel worse but better in a way that I don’t have to look at my face.

I hate taking pictures and because graduation is coming up and people are saying goodbyes, I can’t help getting pictures taken! Can’t I just hide in a corner forever? Doesn’t matter how skinny I get, my face isn’t going to change. I envy people who have a pretty face with a big body. With the body, you can lose if you work hard.

My goal this week: not to puck my eyebrows and leave them alone. I don’t puck that often or much anyway but I don’t know why my eyebrows keep on arching! I have high eyebrow bones I guess. I don’t like them because they make me look mean.
—> bushy eyebrows = better than looking mean

One of my goals this summer: work on my English grammar

I know I don’t have the best grammar in the world, and I feel that if I’m going to be college graduate, my writing can’t be worse than a middle school student’s. I bought a basic English grammar book years ago with that intention to improve my skills and this summer, I’m going to work on that.

Gonna learn everything again: nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, linking verbs, helper verbs, etc.

This is what I get for not paying attention in 8th grade and high school English classes.


PS: My grammar isn’t that horrible. It’s just that I don’t take the time to carefully read what my fingers are typing and what my mind is thinking. Sh…it’s an excuse.

New revelation

I walked from the bus stop to the Geology building today and it suddenly just hit me. I’m going to get my masters in Food Science. It was depressing the other day when I looked at the pay for dietitian and it is not so good. People don’t care so much about prevention, certainly from the perspective of insurers. My dream is to counsel obese  people and get them to realize their lives can be good. But now, the more realistic path is to get a financially stable job and with food, you can’t go wrong. I just hope that I won’t get a job working for a company that processed very fatty food because I don’t want to contribute to the overweight problem we are facing now. I like food and I think I will do that. Will I still try to become a registered and licensed dietitian (a.k.a. nutritionist), maybe. I don’t know. We’ll see.

Another rant

My roommate, the gold digger one, is too sensitive. I came home from church and I smelt a chemical odor, the kind in cockroach spray. So I texted her if there was a cockroach in our room (she hates cockroach and will talk to me about it everyday like I can magically make the house cockroach-free). I’m the person who usually throw away dead cockroach after they sprayed and killed by someone else. Anyway, I smelt the chemical next to my bed and I asked her where did she find the cockroach and where did she spray. She got mad and said, “I didn’t spray it on your bed!” and sent me a cartoon with crossed arms and a upset face. I just asked a question. I’m pretty sure she is going to talk behind my back to her boyfriend about how mean I am to her and I’m not a friendly person. She thinks I don’t understand much Korean but I do. Three semesters of college Korean classes did teach me a thing or two. I’m not gonna generalized all Koreans but I will say that most Korean whom I have met so far, excluding my close Korean friend and another person I worked with before, they have been too worried about their physical appearance more so than their characters. They don’t want a bad reputation even though they done stuff that were not so great and they are very manipulative. I’m talking about the Koreans I have encountered so far and I know not all Koreans are like this. I walked into a Korean cafe the other week and this girl just gave me an eye and did the “smirk” as if looking down on me and she was thinking that I looked like trash. I was so uncomfortable that I left. 

My friend told me that my roommate probably tried to poison me because she placed all the cockroach patches (the baits in the square container) on my sides of the food cabinets we share and never on her side. I don’t mind cockroach because they don’t kill me but don’t just put chemical right next to my food and not on your side. That’s selfish. I may not get killed from it but it does have an effect on me.

UPDATE: lol I think my roommate regrets being upset at me because now, no one cooks for her. I’m not her maid anymore. I never signed up to be one and I didn’t owe her anything to begin with. I did it out of being nice but she just a leecher. A moment ago, she just suddenly sat upright and huffed and puffed for a few minutes. Sorry, girl. I’m not your maid! You don’t have any final and all you do all day is sleep and talk to your bf. You’re 28 and still an undergraduate. If you want to have children, stop acting like a child. I have 7 finals to worry about.